Spring has Sprung

I haven't posted because nothing too exciting has happened, no real thought provoking ideas and nothing that needed immediate blog documentation. So I will do a bit of a catch up now as it is due. I have kept pretty busy the last while, with work, babysitting and making a few trips up to London. My roller coaster of emotions continues to leap and dive, with one day being positive, the next being in the complete pits. I have been really really positive the past few days, feel like I am hitting a positive plateau, which is good as I was sick of on little thing sending me into a slump. Do not like being a Negative Nancy!

My mum has decided to move back to Winnipeg with me, which was quite unexpected. It puts quite a lot of worries to rest and helps to solve some problems. Get things back on track, that have been off for a while. My boyfriend has found a perfect job for him which lifts some worry from my mind as I know it will do him so much good and extra positivity that he could use. I think it's a few little things that have been weighing on my subconscious that have worked out (as I certainly haven't been working things out. I have been terrible trying to put them off and not have to deal with them) and allowing the emotion coaster to come to it's end.

My mum and I are also getting closer to a date to come home, looking into flights. It's looking like June time, it's nice to have an idea of when I will be returning, how much time I have left here. And I have so much planned for when I get home and looking forward to it all, but also a list to do here as well. A little more inspired to get going on doing things I want to do here, and looking forward to home!

The other day I heard myself laugh, really laugh. It was the first time in ages that I have heard myself like that. Upon hearing myself laugh, I just laughed more, to hear it more. It was so beautiful to hear something that had been missing so long, and how truly beautiful it was, and made me incredibly happy. It is a bit of a sad thought, that things are in a situation were laughter is scarce. It gives me the confidence that I have made it through these incredibly difficult few months, that I can make it through a couple more. I will always laugh again, even if the hardy laugh goes missing for a while. I am building myself immensely, laughter will always return and remind you of what is good.

My good friend Heather came to visit as well. We went to Camden Market, I haven't been to before and was really neat. I like markets, really neat atmosphere. And my favourite place, Brighton! Did lots of shopping and catching up, it was wonderful. Nice to get out and about, see some new places and familiar faces (did not mean that to rhyme).

I watched the boat race, a  rowing race between Cambridge and Oxford universities (really posh, rich "rara's"). Never heard of it before, and got super into it. It was actually surprisingly excited, with a swimmer in the Thames having to restart the race and a broken ore, so much drama! Makes me want to start rowing, will have to jump on the machine at the gym.

I just spent a lovely afternoon/evening with my family. I was a little worried about it as it was 16 people, and I get can stressed out and anxious with lots of people. But, I had a fantastic time, put up the trampoline (they needed my super strength, for reals) and had a bounce with my cousins, ate far too much, talked and laughed with my family, learned what a Chav is, and received far too much chocolate. I really enjoyed myself, and makes me sad to be thinking of leaving, which I think may be the first time. Just won't think about that then, A really great Easter.

Sorry it was not a very exciting or interesting post. Lots of pictures though!

Oatmeal Pancakes, actually fantastic

My new favourite lunch, bagel with lettuce, cucumber, onion, hummus and bean sprouts. I love veggies!

Through to the roots

Deer still scare me a little

Challah, the most delicious bread. Check out that braid!

Spent lots of time in the sunshine. With my  sunglasses and a drink,  it may not be water...

Reflections

Daffodils, playing with my camera

Spinning Skirts

Craft for this week, funking up a boring bathing suit

Pretty happy with it, gotta love buttons

Dancer Toes

Tire swing got a photoshoot

Cake I made for my cousin's Birthday!

Down by the Sea

Bright Brighton Lights

Daffodils everywhere!

More tire swing and playing with camera

Happy Easter Everyone! Hope it is wonderful

Love from England,

Jessie

Need Some Salt

And Finally another update I really need to be in the mood to post and haven't been. The way I can describe the last couple weeks is functioning. To be honest, avoiding all hard thoughts of "What's next? When are you going home? What are you going to do now?" Basically pretty numb, and just dealing with the everyday, just making it through each day. I suppose I will have to face these questions sooner or later, they seem to break me down when I think of them though, we will learn a little more about that in this post. 

I have been working, which I am still really enjoying, even with the children pushing my limits when they are being little terrors. I love them all though, great kids. Baking/cooking a lot, which has been great help taking me out of what is going and just enjoying cooking, and I get some yummy eats in the end. While randomly stumbling around the Internet I applied for a couple of volunteer opportunities, in hopes to fill my time a little more and the feeling of having done something, I am not sure what will become of it, we will see. Been doing my random little crafts. My biggest project I was doing this weekend was my scrapbook. I had planned to do a scrapbook of my Grade 12 year, and finally got too it. I have two pages left (that I had planned to do) but all the pages are still quite simple, I need to add little things to jazz them up a bit, I don't have little jazzy bits here, may have to wait until I get home. I think the book will continue until I run out of pages, and just be a scrapbook of my late teenage years. I am very pleased with it thus far though. I also got to organise my pictures in photo albums. I am a neat freak, as well as a picture fanatic, so it's nice to have them all in one spot and organised so later in life I can just look back and in enjoy them.

I have been writing my thoughts and ideas for blogs on my iPod, mostly while at the gym, which is great, makes the time go by far faster!So I will now insert what I have written there, here. Some of it is fairly old, and you can tell  they are written at different times from the waring  moods and mind sets I was in. I can't say I still hold any/all of the thoughts, some were in the moment and fleeting thoughts. Some ideas or disjointed, or end abruptly, I just wanted to make sure I got down all that was in my head, even if I didn't finish the idea. Anyway, Here we go!

I can't decide whether I am proud of myself or disappointed in myself for the experiences I have had over this trip. I didn't do anything adventurous (thus far) and I know a lot of people would have done it very differently. Had more of a party, going to random bars and jumping on random trains to see where you end up. In a way, I am upset with myself for not being like that, or at least a little more like that. My life compared to this imaginary one is quite boring, as I did everyday normal stuff. I just think this fictional trip would be so much more fulfilling then the one I am experiencing. I suppose that isn't my personality though, I am not an outgoing person and not really a partying kind of girl. But, can I be mad at myself for not acting out of my personality? Should I have tried to escape the shell when I could, in a new environment? I am comfortable with the person I am, but can't help to second guess who I am. I have a fear of wasting time. You only have so much time on this Earth, you had better use every minute of it. My fear is being useless, and not making everything of each moment and opportunity I have as a person.

I don't want to leave this country feeling like I did shit all, I fear leaving this Earth having done shit all. I think it is a more life fear, than a this situation fear. Maybe this trip is just a huge forecast for my life, as I am getting little hints towards that, hoping and planning something so hard, and then it doesn't work out, fear of not achieving anything, fear of wasting those precious moments. Not saying that is all there is going to be, there will be challenges like this, but far more happy memories (hopefully!)

What I do know that I have learned from this experience, is that as a planner, I need to make a back up plan, and be more flexible to things that may occur. Not hold my plan so close, that when it shatters, I don't shatter with it.

Does it really matter if you do something? How do you determined that you have achieved something? Does an achievement count if you are the only one that knows about it?

Life is not simple. I think we have all figured that out. There is an infinite amount of questions that you ask and ask, and will never get an answer too. If you think about it though,what if life was simple? Everything panned out, no problems. You would pray for conflicts, to add some sort of interest to your life, some sort of unexpected to your life. As the unexpected can be the most beautiful sometimes.

If you know all the answers and how everything turns out, you know everything. Is it worth experiencing? For example, someone tells you every single detail of a movie you wanted to see. And you are like, Fuck(excuse the language, but that's what you would say), I wanted to see that, you totally spoiled the entire thing for me. There will be no surprises, I know what comes next and how it ends. How bad would that suck? Imagine if like was like that, you were told every detail, what happens next, know you were getting a surprise party, there would be no surprises, borrrinnggggg.

Dying is already terrifying, would know what is coming make it any easier? Knowing when to say good bye, and knowing what comes after.

Enjoy the thrill of life, how boring would it be without it? 

I went into my mum's room crying, gasping that I felt defeated. Nothing was going as planned, and I had no idea where to go next. I know that I am incredibly hard on myself, this is just another part of my personality. Though I am my worst critic, I am going to try and be a little kinder to myself and be proud of my strength. I felt much better the next day, I guess the rush of tears helped, to let all the high emotions pour out.  I hadn't really 'mourned' about the whole situation, just sort of blew by it, it was nice to finally let it have it's win to break me down so I can finally start building up again. 

I went into London with my mum and did a little meandering and forgot about things and try to talk out new ideas. Some have already sparked and burned out, it is just a little more incentive in me to do all the things I wanted to do on my trip here.

Soo, that was all from my iPod, thoughts as I was thinking them. Strange to read over them again. Also, super interesting to decipher, I don't type very well on my iPod, especially while working out,  most of the words weren't even words.

My dear friend Michael asked me if I had been writing a journal to be able to look back and be able to see the emotions and thoughts I had. I replied no, but I am relying on my blog to be able to look back at 18 year old me. That is why this post is a little more "In Jessie's Head" and I plan on keeping up with the in depth posts. I am not sure how many people actually read through it all, or care. And this is by no means a diary with a  lock and key as most people keep their thought, feelings and questions. What is the point of keeping them to yourself? Decisions are a lot easier when you talk them through with someone. We all know holding emotions in isn't good for you. I have been learning this over the past 4 years in high school and only now starting to apply it and try to speak what I am feeling to those around me. It ain't gonna get fixed if you don't tell anyone it's broke.

That's basically all I have to say, I am getting a little bored of writing all this. I need to start facing the questions I have been putting on hold, and figure out what I am going to do, when I am going to come home, as much as I want to avoid them and many other challenging questions at all costs, I have to deal with them, and the sooner I can figure something out, the faster I can stop being numb and just functioning, and be enjoying and living a little more.

I sound like such a moaner, it's really just the honest thoughts in my head. Hope it will be a little more cheery soon! Enjoy the photos!

Love from England,

Jessie

I have found the first two very true, helping me heal a lot. And I am sure the Sea would help too.

I put up some new picture frames. With pictures that the people are laughing in, they make me smile.

This is another craft I did. Being an organized person, very helpful

Sort of a craft? Hemmed some pants into capris as I didn't like them long.

But the Caramel Sauce, SO GOOD

Energy Bites. With oatmeal, flaxseed, peanut butter, chocolate chips and cranberries. Super delicious, nice healthy treat. 

"Guilt Free" Apple crumble muffins. They were yummy, and good for you too, bonus!

Lemon Kisses. Like Imperial Cookies, but with lemon curd.

London, don't remember where this was taken

Leicester Square

Peanut noodles. They had peanut butter in them, what is not to like?

Plans That Don't Pan Out

Again, I have failed at updating my blog. I can partially blame it on the fact that I have been busy (yay!), and then I can partially blame it on my constant unwillingness to write a new blog post. But, after today's events it is needed and I am in the mood.

An update of the big things that have happened in the last couple weeks. I have been working quite a lot, gaining more and more hours (and money, weee!). Have done lots of crafting,baking and cooking, as you will see below. Which includes starting my scrapbook that I have been thinking of doing for ages, and my inspiration book I spoke of last post! I picked up my knitting needles (and put them down again). And baked some pretty delicious treats! I hadn't been feeling 100%, really lethargic, stomach pains and a bunch of other nonsense, which including fainting outside a store. The story to that goes as so: I was in a store with my mum, getting my receipt for my purchases and could feel a fainting spell coming on as I couldn't see the woman in front of me, only spots. I then managed to make it to my mum where I whispered "I'm going to faint" we walk out the door, sure enough I collapse to the floor. I make life so exciting. I was perfectly fine after sitting for a minute and having some water. Anyway, a cold stacked on top of these other symptoms, went to see the doctors, didn't find anything (though I am going for a blood test, just in case) and am feeling pretty good now. Isn't that just the way it goes?

I also went to visit my aunt and her family. She is a health visitor and visits people in their home to see how they are doing with whatever medical issues they are dealing with or check ups they need. We both thought it is something I would enjoying tagging along with as I would like to be a nurse, and am interested to see what she does and what it's all about. It was wonderful to spend sometime with her and my cousins. As for the visiting, we visited one patient, but the other had to cancel. So, I didn't get to see much, but she explained a lot to me about her work and I still really enjoyed it. We have hopes for me to go out with her again to see a little more.

Here's a good one. I went up to London to pick up a few things I needed. Went to the Clinique counter, bought a few things but when the woman was ringing my things up, I changed my mind on an eye cream after seeing the price (23 pounds!) and asked her to take it off. I got home from my little shopping trip, and was showing mum my purchases, reaching into the Clinique bag I pull out the 23 pound eye cream! Freak out, thinking I am a thief. Call Clinique, explained what happened and am returning it when next in London. Myself and others thought this was very good of me as most people would say "Sweet, free stuff" I just knew I couldn't use and not feel guilty. What a day that was.

My Valentine's day was wonderful, even though I was without my valentine. I woke up to beautiful roses and my new camera bag (both pictured below) the perfect way to start the day! In the afternoon, I went to go see Billy Elliot the Musical with some family. Is was spectacular! I loved it. I think because usually in musicals it's more about the music and there is less dancing, but Billy Elliot is about dancing, so it has a lot more and really great choreography, and it was quite funny.After the show we went to a pub for some "Pub Grub" for dinner, which was delish. Then headed home to skype Keaston, we didn't get to spend the day together, it was good enough for us both seeing each other. A few days later, I received my Valentine's gift: Goldfish crackers, Kraft Dinner, and my favourite Thai Curry Paste ( a couple foods I had been craving and can't get here) a Vegetarian cookbook (Very fancy, don't know what half the ingredients are. Cooking from it will certainly be an adventure!) and a beautiful Celtic Knot ring. He always outgifts me, but I am very thankful!

Now, onto the events of today. Just going to get right to it, my au pair family unfortunately doesn't need me anymore, I won't go into details, just leaving it at that. I was pretty devastated, as I was so eager to get started and start something new, and then it falls through. A plan that had been re planned and an infinite amount of times, and once again had not gone as I thought. I got upset, but just kept thinking to keep positive and we'll figure out a new plan. I really surprised and impressed myself on how well I took it, I wasn't mad at the family (though others around me are) as they couldn't have predicted this, and I wasn't devastated all day and just wanting to crawl into a hole and cry. I decided that I was just going to ignore the panic of "What am I going to do now? I need a new plan", and deal with it at another time when I am ready and have more ideas of what the plan might be. I kept remembering a quote I really appreciate "The Pessimest complains about the wind. The Optimist expects it to change. The Realist adjusts the sails" I have been trying to follow this quote lately, realize that this is life and I make it what it is, and have to find a way to change it or find a way to live with it so I am happy. And this is an idea I really have to hold dear to me now when the sea seems unmanagable. To calm myself I baked a Lemon Poppy Seed Loaf, made and ate some dinner and worked on this blog post. I am still feeling calm about the whole thing, allowing ideas of what may lay ahead pass through my mind, but not getting caught up in it. I will have a new plan, when I make it, and I won't be rushing into.

I can't say I blame anyone but myself. The last couple days I have been super home sick and feeling low, just wanting the simplicity of home instead of the unknowings and difficulty of living here. I have been missing people a lot, and have sent a few messages of "I just want to come home now" and had a very small piece of me hoping that something would go wrong with the au pair family, so I could be home sooner (usually followed by a thought of "Oh no, this will be a great experience"). I guess I wished for being home so much, I made it happen. Not that I am packing my bags and booking my ticket now, I have that freedom now. I'm thinking that I was just wishing for a certain outcome so hard, I made it happen.

As for what to do now. I don't think I want to stay and work here as I am now in the job I am in, I love it, but I don't see the point. Not that there needs to be one, I just think it is passing time that I could be passing in Canada. I don't know if I want to look for a new family, that is stressful, I don't know if I am up for it again after quite a few let downs, it is something I have always wanted to do though. I could travel, as everything is so close. The thing with that is, I am not sure if I am ready to travel on my own. I have spent plenty of time on my own when I have been here, I am not sure if I am secure enough in myself to travel on my own. Don't get me wrong, I would love to travel and see all there is to see, don't know if I am there yet. I will take some more trips up to London and other easy places on my own though. I will work up to it. I also of the option of a few friends that are coming to visit within the next few months, being able to go adventuring with them. Or, I could always pack up and head home. The thing is, I don't want to get home and feel unsatisfied with what I did in England. It would be nice being home though, back for summer and all it's joys and into University in September. I really have no idea of what's going to happen. I haven't been thinking in months ahead, only days, and it has been working well in keeping stress down and focus on the now. Ohh, I really wish I had a life map right now that tells me what happens throughout. These are the thoughts pacing through my brain at the moment and it is sorta stressing me out thinking of it too much, so, will leave the planning a little longer. I sound like a Negative Nancy, but I am not trying to be, just trying to find the right/best thing to do.

That what's been going on, would greatly appreciate love and thoughts on all of this. Lots of pictures today! I hope you enjoy them!

...I would like to work on a cruise ship (Free cruise!) at some point in my life, eh, maybe I have an opening now!

Love from England,
Jessie

I tried to make sushi, it sucked. I miss Tokyo Sushi

Roses from my very kind boyfriend

I am getting good at this layered cake thing!

I love me some sunsets





A (very) late Christmas present. Custom made camera bag, I adore it!





I made feather earrings! Quite proud of these bad boys

Vegetarian Chili in a Jacket Potato(Baked Potato, the English are weird) This was unbelievably good

Flowers in February, so confused

So weird having flowers, instead of snow

Meerkat socks, hilarious

Yellow flowers

New Growth



Getting ready for Imperial Cookies (which went down very well at the Nursery). For some reason I didn't take a picture of the finished product...?



It snowed! I was thrilled, it only stayed for a few days but it was hilarious watching the panic and shutdown of a country due to a few inches of snow.



I learned how to knit hats! One was knit for my boyfriend, another for my dad!

Young, Wild and Free

Another week as passed, and nothing to eventful has happened. After my last post, I received lots of lovely messages from friends telling me how proud they are of me, that they understand my decision, though they will miss me like crazy, they understand the opportunity that has been presented to me. I cannot say how fabulous those were to receive, to know I am supported from many miles away and just to have their love sent my way was incredible and made me more confident in my decision and in the thought that everything will be the same when I return to Winnipeg. It seems so far away, I hope the time passes quickly as I can't wait to get home!

When answering to one of these replies, One of my best friends, Amber told me that I have to apply for Nursing in April after one year of general studies. Since I am going to university in January, I will have an extra semester before I can apply to the Faculty of Nursing. Surprisingly, I didn't get upset by this, I just understood what I needed to do, that there wasn't a way around it. I can take an extra semester of classes, learn a little more and boost my GPA, I can take time off and work, or if I am really ambitious, do some travelling  (I am thinking one of the first two options). I replied to the message "Maybe this is showing me to slow down" and I realised, maybe that is what this whole living in England thing is teaching me. I am a pretty go-go, busy get things done and get things done quick kind of person. In reality, I plan on being a nurse, and so I will nurse for the rest of my life (hopefully) it most likely be the main aspect of my life, so why be so busy to get there? Enjoy all the things that come before, enjoy not being married to school for years on end. Slow down and see the sights.

I am always trying to figure out what I am meant to learn from this trip, though I know it is most likely something I will have to look back on and see what it has taught me. The idea of slowing down and just enjoying things for what they are is something I think I will learn from being here, and probably something that I need to grow in. I  said to my mum, I bet Nana is looking down at me, seeing the things I am struggling with  aren't just coincidences, prodding at me saying "Stay a little longer. Relax, enjoy life for what it is. Don't be in such a rush". My mum thought that was pretty accurate. What can I say, I think some things are planned and people are looking down at you smiling.

And it is strange, I am so looking forward to that few months that I can basically do whatever I want ( I may have frets like I do here, not having anything to do or not knowing what is coming ahead), I am so looking forward to whatever I decide to do in that time, as well as the time before and after. I am actually well excited to go back to school! Especially getting into the Nursing program, I am so interested in the body and how it works, and the sciences. Since trying to decide "What to be when I grow up" in high school, the first thing that came to mind was nursing. I hope this sticks with me, more so in the hard parts like cutting at cadavers and wiping strangers bums. I don't want to be in a job I am miserable in, I can't imagine living like that. Nursing is the plan, and let's hope it's the right one!

I had a really down day on Friday, I was meant to go see my au pair family but there little boy was sick, so they cancelled as there would be little point of me coming for a visit. I got really upset, sick of being bored and not doing anything, as I sometime feel I am wasting time and being pointless. I kept myself busy that day, went grocery shopping with my mum, then made a massive chocolate cake (which was also delicious!) and leek and potato soup, keeping me busy enough. I then spent the night on the Internet looking and saving craft ideas. This cheered me up a lot (as we know I love my crafts!), and I decided I am not going to be sad, I will keep myself busy crafting and making myself a scrapbook like I have planned too. I hope I can stick with this, and stay out of boredom and feelings of uselessness. I got a book for Christmas which is leather bound and has blank pages inside, it is my "Inspiration" Book, I am going to fill it with craft ideas, ideas for the future, beautiful quotes, I am so excited to get started on it now that I have found the push to get going.

Other little things that happened in the week, I went to work a little earlier, which was great, spending more time with the kids (and a little more money in my pocket as well, can't complain!). I finally told the Head Teacher about my plans to become an au pair, which I was very nervous about as I thought she would be mad having to find someone else, and whatever. Actually, she was totally supportive and really excited for me, it was wicked! She said I would be great at it and the family would love me, this made me a little more confident in myself and the idea as I am still a little unsure, that was excellent to hear. I also have the chance again to work in the half term in February, which I am hoping I am able to do as I loved doing it last half term. The nursery is great, everyone is so nice, the kids are so much fun, they are beginning to offer me more hours, I will be so sad to leave them. The big fiasco of the week, our heating hasn't been working all weekend, it has been bloody cold in the house, even with little heaters scattered around the house. It's no Winnipeg cold, but I have still been bundled up in a few layers. Oh, and I was sick again. This country hates my immune system.

As for pictures this week, I have decided to finally show some of the many pictures of food I have taken! (really, there is a whole folder on my computer).These are few things I have cooked/baked, you can be sure I will do another blog with more!

Mushroom, Green Bean and Cashew Pasta. Okay, doesn't look great, but it sure was yummy!

Leek and Potato Soup. AKA The only soup I like. Trying to find some other I like

Salmon with Coconut Curry Veggies, this was delicious!

Cheese Scones I made this weekend. SO GOOD. Especially right out of the oven!




So, not beautiful. But, Chocolate torte. I was very proud of this, four layer cake with whipped cream and raspberry jam between each layer and chocolate frosting. Obviously it has negative calories.

 

My "unhealthy" Dinner for eating healthy during the week. Veggie burger, yam fries and roasted kale. NOM

Love from England,
Jessie