With Love...: Need Some Salt

And Finally another update I really need to be in the mood to post and haven't been. The way I can describe the last couple weeks is functioning. To be honest, avoiding all hard thoughts of "What's next? When are you going home? What are you going to do now?" Basically pretty numb, and just dealing with the everyday, just making it through each day. I suppose I will have to face these questions sooner or later, they seem to break me down when I think of them though, we will learn a little more about that in this post.

I have been working, which I am still really enjoying, even with the children pushing my limits when they are being little terrors. I love them all though, great kids. Baking/cooking a lot, which has been great help taking me out of what is going and just enjoying cooking, and I get some yummy eats in the end. While randomly stumbling around the Internet I applied for a couple of volunteer opportunities, in hopes to fill my time a little more and the feeling of having done something, I am not sure what will become of it, we will see. Been doing my random little crafts. My biggest project I was doing this weekend was my scrapbook. I had planned to do a scrapbook of my Grade 12 year, and finally got too it. I have two pages left (that I had planned to do) but all the pages are still quite simple, I need to add little things to jazz them up a bit, I don't have little jazzy bits here, may have to wait until I get home. I think the book will continue until I run out of pages, and just be a scrapbook of my late teenage years. I am very pleased with it thus far though. I also got to organise my pictures in photo albums. I am a neat freak, as well as a picture fanatic, so it's nice to have them all in one spot and organised so later in life I can just look back and in enjoy them.

I have been writing my thoughts and ideas for blogs on my iPod, mostly while at the gym, which is great, makes the time go by far faster!So I will now insert what I have written there, here. Some of it is fairly old, and you can tell they are written at different times from the waring moods and mind sets I was in. I can't say I still hold any/all of the thoughts, some were in the moment and fleeting thoughts. Some ideas or disjointed, or end abruptly, I just wanted to make sure I got down all that was in my head, even if I didn't finish the idea. Anyway, Here we go!

I can't decide whether I am proud of myself or disappointed in myself for the experiences I have had over this trip. I didn't do anything adventurous (thus far) and I know a lot of people would have done it very differently. Had more of a party, going to random bars and jumping on random trains to see where you end up. In a way, I am upset with myself for not being like that, or at least a little more like that. My life compared to this imaginary one is quite boring, as I did everyday normal stuff. I just think this fictional trip would be so much more fulfilling then the one I am experiencing. I suppose that isn't my personality though, I am not an outgoing person and not really a partying kind of girl. But, can I be mad at myself for not acting out of my personality? Should I have tried to escape the shell when I could, in a new environment? I am comfortable with the person I am, but can't help to second guess who I am. I have a fear of wasting time. You only have so much time on this Earth, you had better use every minute of it. My fear is being useless, and not making everything of each moment and opportunity I have as a person.

I don't want to leave this country feeling like I did shit all, I fear leaving this Earth having done shit all. I think it is a more life fear, than a this situation fear. Maybe this trip is just a huge forecast for my life, as I am getting little hints towards that, hoping and planning something so hard, and then it doesn't work out, fear of not achieving anything, fear of wasting those precious moments. Not saying that is all there is going to be, there will be challenges like this, but far more happy memories (hopefully!)

What I do know that I have learned from this experience, is that as a planner, I need to make a back up plan, and be more flexible to things that may occur. Not hold my plan so close, that when it shatters, I don't shatter with it.

Does it really matter if you do something? How do you determined that you have achieved something? Does an achievement count if you are the only one that knows about it?

Life is not simple. I think we have all figured that out. There is an infinite amount of questions that you ask and ask, and will never get an answer too. If you think about it though,what if life was simple? Everything panned out, no problems. You would pray for conflicts, to add some sort of interest to your life, some sort of unexpected to your life. As the unexpected can be the most beautiful sometimes.

If you know all the answers and how everything turns out, you know everything. Is it worth experiencing? For example, someone tells you every single detail of a movie you wanted to see. And you are like, Fuck(excuse the language, but that's what you would say), I wanted to see that, you totally spoiled the entire thing for me. There will be no surprises, I know what comes next and how it ends. How bad would that suck? Imagine if like was like that, you were told every detail, what happens next, know you were getting a surprise party, there would be no surprises, borrrinnggggg.

Dying is already terrifying, would know what is coming make it any easier? Knowing when to say good bye, and knowing what comes after.

Enjoy the thrill of life, how boring would it be without it?

I went into my mum's room crying, gasping that I felt defeated. Nothing was going as planned, and I had no idea where to go next. I know that I am incredibly hard on myself, this is just another part of my personality. Though I am my worst critic, I am going to try and be a little kinder to myself and be proud of my strength. I felt much better the next day, I guess the rush of tears helped, to let all the high emotions pour out. I hadn't really 'mourned' about the whole situation, just sort of blew by it, it was nice to finally let it have it's win to break me down so I can finally start building up again.

I went into London with my mum and did a little meandering and forgot about things and try to talk out new ideas. Some have already sparked and burned out, it is just a little more incentive in me to do all the things I wanted to do on my trip here.

Soo, that was all from my iPod, thoughts as I was thinking them. Strange to read over them again. Also, super interesting to decipher, I don't type very well on my iPod, especially while working out, most of the words weren't even words.

My dear friend Michael asked me if I had been writing a journal to be able to look back and be able to see the emotions and thoughts I had. I replied no, but I am relying on my blog to be able to look back at 18 year old me. That is why this post is a little more "In Jessie's Head" and I plan on keeping up with the in depth posts. I am not sure how many people actually read through it all, or care. And this is by no means a diary with a lock and key as most people keep their thought, feelings and questions. What is the point of keeping them to yourself? Decisions are a lot easier when you talk them through with someone. We all know holding emotions in isn't good for you. I have been learning this over the past 4 years in high school and only now starting to apply it and try to speak what I am feeling to those around me. It ain't gonna get fixed if you don't tell anyone it's broke.

That's basically all I have to say, I am getting a little bored of writing all this. I need to start facing the questions I have been putting on hold, and figure out what I am going to do, when I am going to come home, as much as I want to avoid them and many other challenging questions at all costs, I have to deal with them, and the sooner I can figure something out, the faster I can stop being numb and just functioning, and be enjoying and living a little more.

I sound like such a moaner, it's really just the honest thoughts in my head. Hope it will be a little more cheery soon! Enjoy the photos!

Love from England,

Jessie